Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
