Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
the day after is always just damage control
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Randomize
