it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
