I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
