i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
