i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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