Your face is a jimmy john
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
