Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
