You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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