Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
A bitchslap is in order.
Dear god my vagina.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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