Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
