there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Randomize
