Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
