Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
