Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
where does the pee come out of this thing
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Randomize
