Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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