you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Randomize
