my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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