Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
I faked an abortion last night.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
