I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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