my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
