This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
