I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Randomize
