Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
