You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
