you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
