Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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