You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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