since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
