So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
