So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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