Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
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