my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Randomize
