I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
