Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I just found a bag of teeth...
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
