I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
