based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Randomize
