If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
