1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
