i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
