I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize