the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
