Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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