Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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