When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
