I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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