i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
