What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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