dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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