it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
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