some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
I intend to get homeless drunk
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
