My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
