omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
