also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize