Who wears a wallet chain?!
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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