Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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