There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
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