yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Randomize