Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Come on in and take your pants off
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