I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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