im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
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