how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
