Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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