I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize