Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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